I’m glad I was wrong.

He was that guy.

You know the one who you’d walk past on a busy city street, who is genetically blessed and extremely attractive that you get whiplash turning your head to get a second look.

You know exactly which one. Yes, that one.

But he may also be the guy who you think may have the equally perfect girlfriend or who’s standards were so high that only Victoria Secret’s model could attain.

So when I swiped right on his profile picture in Tinder (really as a social experiment) I was surprised that we were a match.

I mean, I know where I stood in the looks department. I wasn’t strikingly pretty and I wasn’t ugly either. I was just… normal. If there was a measuring stick for what normal people looked like, you’d see my face.

I was Asian, 5’3” and curvier than the standard Asian woman. And he was tall, Caucasian with intense eyes and dimples that could melt even the most frozen of hearts. I was definitely not someone who would be his type.

We started with light-hearted, semi-flirtatious banter over text. This went on for a few weeks.

A few more texts messages here and there. Never too much, never too little. Just enough to keep me interested.

To which then I quickly formed my opinion on him. I thought to myself – wow, this guy knows the game and plays it well.

Certainly someone that attractive is in it for fun. Wham bam, thank you maam. Get in, get out kinda guy.

So when he asked to meet, and because I had conjured up this fictitious background story of what I assumed he was like, all I could think was..

ok this could go either way. It could end up as a disaster, I would then block him on all social networks that I may have added him on and avoid any places where he might frequent or this could go well, to which would then lead to a second, a third and fourth date.

Here’s where it gets a little bit interesting. Oh and yes, there was that third and fourth date.

The more I spent time with him and the more he got comfortable with me and eventually he opened up (and let me tell you was a mission in itself), the more I realised I had been wrong. I jumped the gun.

I could have not judged him more wrongly. But i’m glad I was. 

We actually had a lot in common. Despite the intimidating Calvin Klein model-esque exterior, he was just as normal as I was.

This is where I found myself slowly falling for him.

My secret name for him was ‘the triple threat’. He was attractive, accomplished and smart. What are the odds of that? But more importantly he was just a nice guy.

Did I want something serious to happen between myself and him? Yes, of course. He was a catch. So why hasn’t it? There must have been a flaw in his genetic code, I assumed.

I searched endlessly and made mental notes of every conversation I had with him. Eventually, I did find it. He was a commitment-phobe. When I came to this realisation, it was such an anticlimax.

So I decided to back off in fear of invoking unrealistic expectations on the situation and disappointing myself.

I confessed that I have feelings for him and needed space away from him. He genuinely seemed surprised at this announcement. I said to cease all forms of communication with me and he respectfully gave me that.

But I was still drawn to him.

I did everything possible for him to have a reason to want to cut ties with me but he really still wanted to be friends. I threw in the towel and let him have that.

Out of all of this, the consolation prize is that I found a friend. A very attractive friend at that but still, a friend.

We still keep in contact though not as frequently as I would like.

Ultimately, I would hope that something may happen or level up but for now I’ll play the friend card.

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Does he? Doesn’t he?

I had been single for a few months before my friend cajoled me into downloading the Tinder app. I was hesitant at first but I had just turned 30 and thought, hey why not. What do I have to lose?

Going to clubs and bars was not really my thing. As much as possible I tried to avoid sweaty drunk males who were only looking to satisfy their needs. I’d rather not be that person. That’s the problem when your dating life starts in your late 20s early 30s. Dating becomes this whole other world. A game. With different rules to different situations. Does the 3 day rule still apply? Did it ever? Is it okay to sleep with them on the first date or not? Should a girl message first? Or will this make us look too keen? These are the questions that run through my mind.

Ever since I was 17 I’ve always been in long term relationships. Previously, it was just a case of ‘I like you, you like me and now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend’. Easy. Now it’s – we’re dating and we’re exclusive but it’s not yet official or we’ve had dinners together, we hug and kiss, we message eachother on a daily basis but we’re not yet dating. So all this is new and very confusing to me.

I’ve asked friends who has been on the dating scene for a while and they all say ‘just be yourself’. So you do. You treat them nicely.. then you get friendzoned. So you change tactic. Treat them mean, keep them keen. You’re labelled as ‘high maintenance’. You cannot win.

I have been ‘seeing’ a guy I met on the Tinder app for a few months now. Let’s call him Z. Z is tall, smart and physically very attractive. So when I first swiped right on him, I didn’t think that we’d be a match. Guys like that like the trophy girls. The ones with the pretty face and cardboard cut-out body right out of a fashion magazine.

Our first encounter was over dinner. I had no idea what to talk about. Heck, I had no idea what to do! So I figured I would play it cool and just be myself. What’s the worse could happen? He won’t want to see me again..and that’s fine. It’s not like there is any emotional investment, so it would be easy to walk away.

Fastforward a few months. Coffee and dinners turned into sleep overs and then… BOOM! Someone had to fall. And that someone was me.

First of all, I’ve had my heartbroken too many times to fall that easily. But Z, he was different. He would do all these boyfriend-ish things, so sweet, so caring, yet he wasn’t my boyfriend. Can you blame me? He told me he didn’t want the ‘boyfriend responsibility’.

But then why? Why go through all the trouble and do all these things that I felt was so easy and natural for him and I and yet not take it one level up? I don’t know. Was he a commitment phobe? Did he get burnt in his past relationship and that’s why he’s like that?

I feel like he likes me too, but im not 100%. So why was it so hard to commit? Maybe he doesn’t like me as much as conjured it up in my head. Its so frustrating to say the least.

I could possibly outright just put it all on the table, and ask the hard question.

But then again, his answer might bring up more questions.

I guess, if I really did want to know the answer, I should ask, right?

But the thing is, once I get that answer, will I stay or walk away altogether?

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30 and beyond.

When i was younger i’ve always thought that when i got to this age everything would be set. The house, the kids, married to a wonderful man. But life didnt quite turn out the way i imagined. It never does. Single, no plans on tying the knot and no kids that i know of. But what ive come to know and understand is that it really isnt that bad. There may be pressure from family and society in general for a woman of my age to start thinking about settling down and to be honest at times it may bother me, but i am not one to do things just because everyone else is doing it or because its the right age to do certain things. I bend the rules on occasions. I believe god has a plan for me. Not everything that happens in my life i will understand. Nor will i give myself a migraine trying to decipher the reason as to why. I live each day as it comes. No day is ever the same.

So no matter how many heartbreaks i must endure in my lifetime, i will still continue to love. No matter how many setbacks i may face, i will continue to soldier on and no matter how many people leave my life, i will still continue to welcome those who have yet to arrive and cherish those that still remain. I realise now that you cannot control the things that happen in life but you can control how you react to them. So live, love, laugh. Life is beautiful. You are the creator of your own happiness.

Everything will fall into place in gods perfect timing.

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and so this is love…

And so here it is…

I have finally felt it. A feeling so real, so raw, so genuine that it scared me. It scared me so much that it actually made me cry. Not because I expected something in return and not because I was sad. But because it was such a bittersweet moment. I was so happy and extremely proud and even though I couldnt share the moment with you, that is perfectly okay. It was nothing I’ve ever felt before. It was so honest that it took me by surprise. I was left speechless. I didnt expect that I would react in such a way. I actually expected the opposite. Sadness, regret, anger. But not at all. These feelings never even came close.

And that’s when I knew… it was LOVE.

Pure, sincere and unadulterated love.

In all honesty, no one had ever made me feel that way. It’s quite unsettling that in my past 3 decades of existence and the only other serious relationship I have ever been involved in, had never made me feel such powerful emotions. It was only you, the person who once upon a time was someone to call my own, had been the catalyst that allowed me to feel it.

Even though you wont ever know or even realise that you made me feel this way. Thank you so much.

This feeling I will always treasure.

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the devirginisation of a blog virgin.

You would have already figured out that this is my first ever blog post.

I’ve heard of blogs, read blogs and even tried to make a blog but never gotten past the stage of actually writing a blog. That was in 2010…yep. I cant even remember the password to that one now.

Oh f*ck it.

So what makes a successful blog? What topics do you write about? How do you change the background to make my page look ‘cool’? How do I add pictures? How often should I be blogging? Everyday? Once a week? Once a month? Could I handle the critiques of the reader? Well, if I had at least one person reading my sh*t that’s a successful blog to me right there.

Forgive me for all the questions. I’m quite new to this bloggity blog world.

So what’s my page all about?

Well, as per the title of my page, anything goes. Sometimes I will have the occasional bouts of emotional and mental diarrhoea and I’ll blog about it. At times I probably cant be arsed. I’m that person who has a million things going on in my head. Call me crazy. That’s fine. Aren’t we all a little loopy? I can just admit.

Blogging is my outlet. It’s cheaper than therapy. Free actually. So its a win, win situation.

So what the hell made me want to start blogging?

Well, I’ve written little notes (on facebook) here and there. Never actually showed anyone before but there was one note I let my cousin read and she was actually the one who suggested I start one. I think just the thought of having people I know read my every thought is never-wracking. Too much pressure, but then I thought YOLO (who at my age says that?)

…everything else is history.

Oh, before I forget, I do apologise for any profanity or you get offended with anything you find on my page. The profanity is only for emphasis and anything I may blog about that offends you is all about perception. However you perceive or react to my blog is fine with me. I mean no harm and the last thing I would want to do is offend you. So comment away.

..and that is it. my first ever blog done. *pats self on the back*

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